Friendship can often be difficult when you have a chronic illness. Pop culture tells us it’s supporting each other through things like break-ups and with frustrating work colleagues. Sometimes people don’t understand other things that may come with the territory, such as hospital admissions, plans cancelled last minute, needing rest or having different priorities. Taking care of yourself can look different for those without chronic illnesses, as can a fun night out. It can be very lonely at times, but sometimes you are lucky enough to find a friend to relate to.

Medically, we’re very similar in some respects. Both of us use they/them pronouns and have Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, which comes with a list of associated conditions such as Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS), gastroparesis, and chronic pain. As a result, we often joke about being twins or copying each other. But otherwise, we’re like chalk and cheese (except both writers so both chalk...and neither of us really eat cheese - Ferris is vegan and Jess has gastroparesis). 

Jess is the resident pink-loving Slytherin and can be scarily competitive when it comes to video games. They absolutely love musicals and can belt out countless songs note-for-note. They’re also obsessed with bubble tea. Jess started off working as a nurse but has now shifted into modelling, performing arts and disability advocacy. They got their wheelchair first, introduced Ferris to their physio, and have been the NDIS mentor for their whole friendship group. But they are a dog person.

Ferris, on the other hand, considers themselves some sort of black hoodie-wearing gremlin. If there is a dark and twisted TV show or movie, they’ve probably seen it. They prefer writing and being behind the scenes, and get quite anxious when outside their comfort zone. Their dream is to write a book and finish their studies. They were the one who came out as nonbinary first, introduced Jess to their GI doctor, and had gallstones first (six months ahead if you count from the onset of symptoms, or a few weeks if you count from surgery). Also, they are a cat person.

Having friends who share similar experiences with you can be extremely rewarding and create a bond like no other. There’s a certain understanding that comes from similar lived experiences and you know they’ll be there through thick and thin. We’ve both had our fair share of challenging times, some have been related to our disabilities and experiences within the medical system. 

Our friendship however has seen us through:

• Mental health crises, including inpatient stays and Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT)
• Accessing and navigating the NDIS
• Insecure housing and living below the poverty line
• Numerous surgeries 
• Medical gaslighting and damaging misdiagnosis

We’ve helped each other through the loss of loved ones, including friends and even Jess’s partner. We’ve both come out stronger in our friendship, supporting each other through that. We’ve both come out as a lesbian - Ferris even bought Jess a lesbian flag when they came out (there’s a lot of pink, so it had to be done)

Throughout all the pain and hardship we’ve always known that we weren’t facing it alone. We have a connection that stems from a deep understanding of the pain and hardship we’ve each faced. It’s something that’s grown out of the love and patience we have for each other, and in those moments of pure joy when we’re sitting there in Jess’s bed unable to catch our breath because one of us has done something silly. 

It’s nourished during the times we break out of the world that so often tries to diminish, silence and ignore us and we celebrate our accomplishments or help each other through those times when each breath can be a struggle. 

We’ve both seen many others turn away when the glimpse they got of our world and pain was “too much” and it still hurts knowing that people can so easily turn their back on you. But if there’s one thing we’ve learnt about our friendship, it’s that neither of us backs down from a challenge especially when it concerns someone we love. In those times when many others disappear, we make sure that we are there and we don’t show up alone. 

We are both incredibly lucky to have accidentally found ourselves surrounded by an amazing friendship group. 

To anyone else, we’d seem like a random bunch of disabled, neurodivergent and queer folk. Look a little deeper though and you’ll catch a glimpse of a friendship group so intuitive and connected that they know when one of their group needs some extra love (usually shown in the form of a massive surprise) and who accepts that medical jargon might be the response to ‘how are you?' without suggesting yoga or essential oils. 

Jess: Our friendship might be unusual and not often represented, but every day we’re thankful for it. 

Ferris: Even if it does mean being best friends with a dog person!

True to their style this piece was lovingly written whilst Jess underwent the first of three surgeries and Ferris was in a psych ward but also taking a brief pause midway to have surgery - the same one as Jess…of course!

About the authors

Ferris Knight is a queer and disabled writer, producer and advocate from Melbourne, Australia represented by Champion Health Agency. Ferris mainly writes about their lived experiences with mental and physical health conditions, as well as queer politics, poetry and fiction. They have also worked with organisations such as Arts Access Victoria, The Dax Centre and Women with Disabilities Victoria. In 2019 they produced their first Melbourne Fringe Festival show LEtGO of Stigma, walking 80 metres across Lego to talk about living with hidden pain and the resilience of those with mental illnesses. In 2020 they were a part of the anthology Closet Cases: Queers on What We Wear from Et Alia Press, writing about sexual harassment.

Jess Cochran is a 31-year-old from Melbourne. Jess lives with physical and psychosocial disabilities as well as chronic illness. Jess is a writer, performing artist, actress, model, and disability advocate. She hopes that her continued involvement with advocacy, writing and the performing arts will help break down the barriers that performing artists with disabilities face when trying to access work, training, and performance spaces.