Sometimes I hear a song on the radio and it hits me like a wave, the wall comes crashing down and I feel the emotion run through me, and this isn't necessarily a bad thing. (Cochran, 2020)

In May of 2020 I wrote my third Invacare blog piece titled Music As Therapy. I’d just begun one-on-one music therapy sessions, already knowing that music held a power like nothing else I’d ever experienced. I’d had music therapy sessions before, but in a more sporadic setting for shorter periods. Even though I knew music was an incredibly powerful tool, I hadn’t yet realised its full potential.

Since that blog post I continued on with weekly one-on-one sessions. I’d see and feel a growth within myself, as well as the deepening of my trust in my Music Therapist. At the start I would share little bits of information about my life or make short responses regarding why I’d chosen a particular song. On even rarer occasions I’d be able to share how I thought it made me feel. Although this was often done with hesitancy, usually posing responses as a question rather than an answer.

It’d take me around a year before I’d venture out from behind the shield provided by meekly singing along with a track at top volume. Occasionally, I’d begrudgingly agree to sing a familiar song with the volume decreased ever so slightly or, if I was being really adventurous, have the recording as a distant melody while utilising my Music Therapist’s guitar skills as the main instrument. I’m not entirely sure when “the shift” occurred. I don’t think either of us could pinpoint that moment. We didn’t notice until recently, after I’d belted out a powerhouse tune complete with complicated vocals. All whilst hearing exclamations of surprise and encouraging words when I’d nail a particularly hard riff or hit a note with such clarity and resonance that I could feel the vibration within me that came with being completely in tune with another note. As the song trailed off to completion and I momentarily caught my breath, we sat for a moment. 

I used to hate sitting in the moment. It was positively torturous. I’d often try to hastily move things along by immediately selecting a new song or starting a conversation about something, anything, that pulled focus off me and what I’d just sung. Sometimes my Music Therapist would test the waters asking if we could sit for a moment and reflect on some things before we moved on. Occasionally I’d grant permission but would quickly begin squirming with discomfort or start answering in monosyllables with an occasional sentence. I did not realise at the time that these were “scripted” responses, words and thoughts carefully constructed through 31 years of observing others. I’d connect these dots later when being tested and then diagnosed with Autism. These were responses I felt others would make rather than what I truly felt or thought. I had no clue yet that the wall I’d spoken of since day 1 of our sessions, the one I already felt kept me separated from my emotions as a self-protection mechanism was something that now made a whole lot more sense. This wall was such a prominent feature in my life, an obstacle that seemed to block me from connecting me with what I called my “true emotions”. I knew that music had often been the only way to momentarily break through that wall before it slammed back up again but one I needed to keep chipping away at so I could understand myself better, communicate more effectively and process 31 years of emotion that had been locked away. Music Therapy has and continues to be one of the most valuable and transformative things that I have access to, and I can’t wait to see what the future holds.

References:

Cochran, J., 2020. Music As Therapy. [Blog] Available at: <https://www.invacare.com.au/support/news/music-therapy-jess-cochran> [Accessed 27 November 2021].

About the Author

Jess Cochran is a 31-year-old from Melbourne. Jess lives with physical and psychosocial disabilities as well as chronic illness. Jess is a writer, performing artist, actress, model, and disability advocate. 

She hopes that her continued involvement with advocacy, writing and the performing arts will help break down the barriers that performing artists with disabilities face when trying to access work, training, and performance spaces.