'Oh, I thought she was your carer, is that actually your partner?'

In the world of disability and intimate relationships sadly this is a line that is heard too often. The assumption made purely on the basis of one person looking more able, that they must, in fact, be a caregiver, and that it's a shock an inter-ability relationship could possibly take place. Inter-ability relationships are described as a relationship between a person living with a disability and one who is not disabled. Basically, attraction over ability.

A good friend of mine Richard* explained to me that he had experienced this assumption that his partner was his carer on many occasions. Their relationship formed out of connecting to the whole person in both mind and body, and no less in one element than the other. Richard was born with spina bifida and as a teen found it hard to make connections and form intimate relationships, however, he concedes most of his able-bodied peers were in a similar position at the time. Even so, Richard felt that because of his condition he was somehow less worthy of an intimate relationship. 

After completing school and gaining deeper self-confidence Richard started initiating intimate relationships with those he chose to and admits he now wished he asked that girl out during high school!

In some situations, it may take a great deal of confidence and years of self-worth talk for a person with a disability to feel comfortable and valued enough to consider approaching someone with more ability to connect further. Sadly sometimes people with disabilities feel undeserving of both relationships and sex.

However, the right to having the relationships and the sex you want is very much a part of disability justice. According to the World Health Organisation, “Sexuality is an integral part of life for everyone: it is a basic need and aspect of being human that cannot be separated from other aspects of life.”

The NDIS has provisions for sex therapists in some plans as it deems sexuality to be a reasonable and necessary form of assistance for individuals. This progression allows for interactions for those people with a disability to have similar opportunities to their able-bodied peers. This is life-changing for those who have previously been unable to connect and form intimate relationships because of their disability.

Richard sums it up well "Not allowing yourself to be conformed by stereotypes is your secret superpower, don't be afraid of making an intimate connection because of your disability. Get out there and enjoy all that life has to offer!'

Solid advice Richard!

About the Writer:

Eliza Ault-Connell AM, is a wife, mother of three, Para Athlete and lover of life. Born and raised in Sydney Australia, she is an advocate for Meningococcal Disease awareness, positive body image and diversity and inclusion. In her spare time, Eliza loves to be active, out on the water, up a mountain and taking in life. Currently, Eliza is working toward racing for Australia at the Tokyo 2021 Paralympics.